I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
