Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
