The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Randomize
