Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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