Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Randomize
