Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
