I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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