Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
