I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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