you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
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