I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
