I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
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