At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
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