You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
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