Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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