I faked an abortion last night.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
