Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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