Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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