What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
