Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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