guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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