It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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