how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize