Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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