pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Randomize