haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
