First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
