I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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