Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Randomize
