Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
