I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
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