Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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