so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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