Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
