I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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