I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
