this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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