I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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