he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize