college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
