I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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