I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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