Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Randomize
