soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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