When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Found your dick twin last night
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
