I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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