I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Randomize
