Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
