There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
