Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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