I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
