somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Randomize
