Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
