Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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