nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
