i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
