I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
