Just cropdusted the office
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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