my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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