i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
