His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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